Dec 28, 2004


So, I read this book recently. “He’s just not that into you.” A friend of mine had it on her coffee table and, mostly, I read it out of curiosity. I mean, you’d think: Jesus, why does this whole book need to be written and who would need to read it? Mostly it’s a book full of advice for people who are ignoring the obvious. You know: if he doesn’t call he’s just not that into you. If he doesn’t break up with his girlfriend he’s just not into you” “If he doesn’t want to sleep with you he’s just not that into you” and so on and so forth. I also read it wondering if it was a book that in the end is going to cause one too many people to jump to the worst conclusion and dump someone unfairly? I mean, not everybody shows interest and affection in the same way and it’s not fair to penalize some poor guy because he doesn’t call you 5 times a day, right?

But, in general, I found it to be refreshing and respectful and pretty on the money. Gone are the “men are from mars, women are from venus, hyper analyze everything until itmeans what you want it to” kinds of “logic”. Instead this book simply points out: action indicates intention: if someone is acting like they aren’t into you, they aren’t into you. And it elaborates on this: if this isn’t the caseand if they ARE that into you, but can’t show it-why do you want to be with this person? Why do you want someone incapable of acting on their needs and satisfying yours? Why are you condemning yourself to a relationship that does not make you happy? I mean: it was pretty fair, allowing that sometimes the person was into, but had issues or whatever. But in the end the point was that people who want you in their lives make the effort. They work on these issues. And you don’t want someone in your life who will not or can not make a reasonable effort to keep you around,

In short, it’s a book about self-esteem. And sure, some of it’s a little pathetic and obvious. Duh: he never called to ask you out because he didn’t want to. He didn’t call after he slept with you because he doesn’t really care if he sees you again. Dude, buck up and have some pride.

But a lot of it is about admitting some shit that even the smartest and most savvy people have issues understanding: you deserve someone in your life that likes you and wants you and will return your calls and ask you out and not “forget” they like you, or “forget” to leave their wife or whatever. In short, it’s not about "he" thats "nto that into you", it’s about the person subjugating themselves to a relationship or situation that makes them miserable because they do not believe they deserve more. It's about people who pursue people who ignore them or deprioritize them. It’s about the person who finds themselves being presumptious to ask to for what they need, to be loved, or sometimes even to be afforded common courtesy. It’s about understanding that it’s not necessarily your fault if you are being blown off or not given what you want, but it’s your problem if you choose to take it like you deserve it, and ultimately, accepting less than you deserve will eat away at your self esteem.

I mean, it’s nuts, really. It's like smart people who can run businesses and pass advanced physics classes suddently enter a stupid and crazy place where logic and instinct refuse to live.
I have had so many conversations with people in which they are ultimately trying to convince me of why they deserve the behavior they are getting, how it means dismissive behavior means something it doesn’t, and why it makes sense or is inevitable that they are getting screwed: “He doesn’t mean for it to hurt me, sex has nothing to do with love, I shouldn’t be upset” “She just yells because she wants me to understand what I am doing wrong…always doing wrong, how do make her see I care?” “He would call, but he just gets so busy he forgets to call for a week..”

And, all of this is, in the end, bullshit. And I think we all know it. Which is why we keep seeking confirmation that lies are the truth…In reality if someone’s behavior is hurting you, even inadvertently,then it is still hurting you and it doesn’t matter if it should or shouldn’t hurt you. And in reality if they care they will cease this behavior or work with you to find a solution that meets both your needs. They’ll find a way to call or find a way to stop yelling at you or not have sex with other women if it hurts your feelings. And if they won’t bother, then they really just aren’t that into you. And if they can’t, then you have to ask: what are they offering that so outweighs having a friend or partner who can’t take your needs into account along with their own?

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