so, I have this job in which I stroll through the hospital day after day...unit after unit. cancer unit. pediatric intensive care. believe me, there is enough to show me that the apparent shit storm that has been my life for the last month has been a mere breeze (that I am aware I let in when I propped that window open with the umbrella)in comparison to the tornado that centers other's existence like a whirling dervish of rapidly degrading emotional turbulance. and it's not just these people. these sad children and their sadder parents. doing the data clean up and understanding that the little boy I see each week really does come to the ER atleast once a week for stage 4 cancer. no, I see it in the people immediatley around me. close friends shouldering, with a smile, shit I could hardly fathom.
So I get it, I get it. I DO. I am not the epicenter of suck.
But still, sometimes I get just enough of the horizon to wonder if their is angry order to things. or if there isn't. I wonder if there is anything I can do. or can't.
and in the end, who the hell knows.
if you pray, pray. if you don't, you won't.
but in the end, I find myself wondering, as I whip out of my self congratulatory pity, what we can do to make the world feel softer, more fair
what we can do to remove the motion from the chaos. slow down the tornado.
we can.can't we?
is it just a function of treating ourselves with kid gloves? of being the best we can be?


something to do with loving our own person and eachother with such fierce affection that we are snowy white in a sea of charcoal.