Oct 10, 2006

the dreams take over when the conscious mind has ceased to do it's duty, ceased to shoulder the responsibility of processing things in an efficient manner. when sight has become bogged down in the details and in the feelings, mired in the hope and the denial, sometimes truer resources take over

I had a dream in which I saw his true face and woke up in a cold sweat

don't get me wrong, in this dream he was as friendly and amiable and agreeable as ever. but he was hard to get a good look at and he had this endless string of paper dolls tied around his waist. they were tattered and dirty and taped together with duct tape and cheaply adorned. I would ask him about them and he would become confused and was clearly to busy to deal with my queries. he was in a rush and wouldn't meet my eye and seemed not in the least sad or embarrassed by this impolite concession. I was sitting there, wanting to play, not with those paper dolls, but I wanted to share my toys too, and I wanted to take a walk and I wanted to take some time and talk some things out and I was concerned about him and what he was becoming and what the fuck was up with all those paper dolls. dropping to ground, picked up, stapled and tacked to each other and adorning his body like a badge of honor. I mean, if he was going to insist on keeping those gross appendages shouldn't he at least care for them or tape their edges or cover them with some thick shiny surface for longevity? and I pointed and yelled and asked: what the fuck is up with those damn scraps you wont throw away and he just looked increasingly confused, who was I to ask questions?

see I had forgotten I was a paper doll

and when I woke up I was, again, a real live girl

and real people: they should say goodbye and make amends and find a way to end things, lest their shadows cast too long and make the shade too chilly
but is it really worth saying anything when you know your voice will come through paper thin, a scream unrecognizable in the din of a hundred other scraps, flapping the breeze

I swear I thought I'd rip those fucking dolls right away, right off his belt buckle, drawer altitude be damned
but now, you know, I'm pretty happy I got away with my own hands and feet

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