Oct 24, 2006

you fat witch, you

I'd like to know who does marketing at gmail because I was just offered fat witch brownies. not fatwich brownies. not fatish brownies. fat.witch. brownies.
And to be fair, I am probably part of a unique demographic in which the word "witch" is not derogatory. Hell, some of my best friends are witches. Perhaps this is evident in the subtext of my emails, implying that I might be marketed all things "witch."
But fat. Damnit, I'm not fat. Even at my top weight I am curvy. Voluptuous. Full figured. But certainly not zaftig and NOt FAT. NOT FAT. And then I remember, I mean, it's not like they can see me there, type type typing away. It's not like I transmit frequent naked jpegs that the advertising executives have access to. So what is it? I DO talk about food a lot. Dinner. Dinner parties. I trade recipes. I talk about wine and beer. And, you know...alcohol. Well, that shit'll make you fat. Even the silver bullet that wont slow you down...drink enough silver bullets and you might still move like a silver bullet train, but, you know silver bullet trains weigh a LOT, and hell, even a well greased hog can get some speed on if you drop them down a high enough shoot. (Think of that image, insert average light beer drinker. Swallow your sip, first)
And then I wonder: is it literacy. I mean, I read a lot. I use 10 cent words in email. I extrapolate frequently on intellectual words. See, look back. Look at all those syllables. I am a geek. And geeks are fat. But, you know, educated people...less so. So, maybe it's an implied immunity to such a loaded word extracted from the combination of frequently used phrases in my emails. Damn baby! fat witch brownies? I'm all over that. I'm a PHAT WITCHY WOMYN! take back the night!
I don't know.
Here is what I do know. It creeps me out.
It creeps me out when I send a flirtatious email to my boyfriend and the sent confirmation involves an ad for viagra. It freaks me out when I say hi to my mom and I'm staring, suddenly, at "don't be single forever!" ads right there. It really REALLY freaks me out that every time I email my ex some form of anti-depressant is pimped all over the screen. And why why why do I say hi my peeps and suddenly get called a fat witch. A fat witch who likes chocolate no less. How do they KNOW? How do they DO that?
Damnit, this is my private life, and I want to know what algorithm allows google's free email services to sample the diverse communication streams that reflect my inner most thoughts and manage to advertise at me the most unnerving and offensive products, constantly, without fail.
Because you know it's everywhere. And just because google shows it doesn't mean you paid service isn't utilizing the same surveillance tactics. They are just paid to be kind enough to pretend they don't care if you are a small underweight woman with 5 chihuahuas and great credit or a man who may very well need viagra, weight watchers,and wellbutrin. AND the silver bullet that wont slow you down.

And now? Don't you just know that the next banner I'm gonna see will be the latest conspiracy theory best seller.

Damnit, I've already seen every Michael Moore movie.

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