Aug 14, 2012
Getting to know yourself is such a strange process. I have a few friends who walk through the world impressively strong in their self awareness, clear, no matter their hobbies, company, or proclivities on on the drives that define.
I am not, for the record, one of those people.
Andfor years I have taken the Myers Briggs test only to end up with an ENFP result, slightly skeptical of the results, and all but straddling every categories but one.
This year, tt seems I have finally jumped the fence. This year I am an INFP.
And, right away, the questions leap up: Have I just become a disconcerted extrovert? Is this the slow beginning of years of rejection and dissapointment turning me into a hermit? Or have I never been an extrovert insomuch as just a little bit needy and lonely? Have I orchestrated social interaction out of instinct or fear?
I do not, alas, have the answer to these questions.
I do know that I get my urges confused. I love to throw a party, but I loath to throw a party. I want the party to be happen. And I want it to be good and fun. I want to give people a party. I want to give them good food and good wine and good company. The issue is I don't want to throw a party.
Like a creative impulse I wish to bring the event into reality. But I am no longer interested in being the sort of charming and multifaceted person who brings such events in life. Indeed, I am no longer capable.
So here is what I think I know:
I am done.
Not with friendships, not with parties, not with love. I am not done with intimacy and I am not done with celebration, and I will always prioritize the kind of emotional fulfillment that comes from a moment beautifully shared.
But, yet, I am done. With a certain part of myself, or, possibly, a certain illusion of myself as the host, the emcee, the proprietor.
I no longer have the weight to anchor, and instead of gathering moss to increase my gravity I think I might try something different: letting go. Floating away. Seeing what I see at a new altitude.
The issue again, is, I don't know what that means. But perhaps I am about to find out.
Posted by daff0dil