Sep 10, 2012

When I wrote the post below I had alot of definitive ideas. Some still stand, some...not so much so.

I don't know if it is the greying of age, the compromise of years lived, but I have an even less definitive stance on porn than I once did. Perhaps just a more pragmatic approach: it exists, and we should make an effort at responsible usership. Perhaps that is reflected in that post, perhaps not.

Re reading that post I also realized that there are two things that stand out, and need clarification:

I have never believed in an inherent sin embedded in sex. Because porn and sex are so inherently linked it is hard to express issues with porn without seeming judgemental, seeming a prude. I don't mean to imply that there is no way you can make, consume, or enjoy porn and he healthy. I believe quite the opposite. I just think you need to be able to separate the two, and that you need to learn to ackowledge commodification in all its forms lest it seep into your enjoyment of more simple pleasures.
More on that...another time.

Because the real key issue that strikes me today, the real issue with the sex industry today, is a smaller crime embedded in far too many relationships. And that is the need for things to be easy.

Which is to say, I don't know if part of the fault I find in porn isn't the same fault I could find in romantic comedies, disney movies, fairy tales: is that they are selling you a belief that what we want should act a certain way and that life owes us a certain kind of happiness with a certain ease.

Which is to say, it is all very well to want prince charming with a well paying job and a love that will transcend counties, countries and years, and dimples, and a horse to ride. And it is all very well to want 3 cheerleaders to find you irresistable and ofcourse they will want to bring their friends, too. But lets just, for arguments sake, say it doesn't quite go like that, or that life doesn't deliver the lengths of your desire on platter easily, simply and with no work from you. Lets say it is one cheerleader, or a prince with a limp. And they have needs. Their own fantasies. They want to give you most of what you want, but frankly they wish you would pick up the laundry every once in a while.

This is real life, and part of life and love, and specifically, part of intimacy is not just accepting another's needs, but getting to know, love and respect another's needs.  Learning to desire realistic things is part of being, well, a grown up, and part of being a good partner.

And what concerns me is that there might be a growing in ability to engage with real humans, because they are too disapointing, or their autonomous needs are too confusing. And when acceptance fails the need to go to fantasy is not just for recreation and distraction, but actual fulfilment.

Which is to say, there are a whole lot of people who do not accurately identify and appreciate the treasures they have in front of them because, frankly, they expected something else, and they were programmed to live, love and desire in a very rigid and hard to meet format. And they are not learning to explore and examine these unmet needs,but rather they are learning to cling to them, and to hide them.

It is a crime. But it is a sad, internal, introspective crime, that causes us to hurt those closest to ourselves, and live in a constant state of dissapointment.

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