Rando thoughts on the eve of atonement

Rando thoughts on the eve of atonement

It is my fault really, so I’ll take some responsibility.

I made it easy for you. I encouraged you to see our similarities under the assumption that are our differences would be too divisive. You had not just my permission, but my connivance to overlook core parts of me in exchange for a comfortable place in your world. 

But what people don’t realize is: when you are different…either in subtle or pronounced ways, when given the option of being accepted ( if not exactly embraced) you are likely to take it. Even if it means only parts of you are being given a hall pass, even if it means you downplay core parts of you so as to highlight the pieces that fit.

You can call it self loathing but I think this garden is more rooted in self-preservation.  The self-loathing is a weed that grows as you encourage the overgrowth of the roses to obscure the orchid that just isn’t part of the garden scheme. As the ecosystem is compromised more weeds of self-doubt,  wildflowers rooted in uncertainty take root.  And as you see only parts of yourself reflected in the world around you it is easy to forget who you truly are.  And in a world that continuously reminds us what happens to those who are not “in”, it isn’t exactly crazy to resist standing out.

Understand, my experience is but a shadow of those who experience true insults to their being, their history, their safety, their soul. LGBTQ partners, and those whose skin, whose features are not afforded the luxury of such a compromise.  That being said, there is a certain anxiety in recognizing oneself as a last ditch scapegoat. As a member of the majority by the good graces of those in power. Still, agreeing to stand in such a blind spot comes with mixed emotions. And it is easy to understand how, even in the safest of spaces, one might not choose to be truly seen. Societally this is all old hat, and it should be obvious, even it is sadly not. We ask those less fortunate to cow tow to those who in power in a multitude of obvious and subtle ways.

But we don’t always talk about how it affects us personally. Intimately.

And I am not talking about the linger of fear I felt when I, not my husband, started receiving fliers from the J4J folks because of the clear ethnicity of my last name (am I tracked? Am I seen?) or the twinge of discomfort I sometimes feel when asking for a Jewish holiday off of work.

I am talking about those I love, and the way I introduce them to the myriad of ways I experienced the same culture as them, differently, including the swath of holidays they have never heard of, but are part of me, or the alienation and discomfort that marks the enormity of holidays the world celebrates with them.  Or the ways I don’t introduce it, because I assume it is not their interest, and I don’t want it to be their problem. I don’t want my weird eccentric needs to get in the way or their good time. I don’t want them to reschedule a whiskey tasting for after Passover, I don’t want them to reconsider a dinner party on Yom Kippur. Don’t bother, because it’s a test. it’s a question: do I matter enough for compromise in a world in which I have never been asked to do the same? In a world in which my compromises are not even seen because you are the norm and I am the exception.

True story: someone once told me I was a bad hugger. It was awkward and even more so as I avoided truly having the conversation. I was so shocked by this strange admission that I didn’t share my many thoughts. How I, as a woman, have a justifiable reason to be defensive about my body. Or how I went to a youth group and a shul where men and women did not touch each other because of laws of modesty attached to my religion. How I very simply, for a myriad of reasons, will never take touch casually, and how I love a hug, but not as a default, not as a cultural norm.

It is these little things I internalize. Boundaries and preferences and concerns that even my friends and loved ones are protected from because my experiences as a Jew, or as a female shouldn’t have to be there problem.

So leave you with just a tip: those you love may not always invite you to see the parts of them that are a little different. But if they do, you should probably take the invitation, because you have just been invited to join a club, a special club that involves trust and care and is hoping you might find that which is different just as compelling as that which is same, because it where true love and acceptance lies.

You can take this as a personal tip, or one as a member of society where everyone is walking about with their own background, which might be very very different  than yours. And you aren’t really sharing space if you can’t see the space they occupy.

 And finally, just to come full circle. Tonight is Yom Kippur. Today we are supposed to forgive and ask for such a favor in turn from our fellow man before we seek broader salvation.

So I ask forgiveness for all I assume and all I deprive through assumption.