I was watching Shrill (spoiler alert) and there is this big scene, where the guy who has been calling her and texting her and flirting with her suddenly tells her he just doesn't see her that way

and it kind of goes downhill from there, with her humiliated and him basically gaslighting her by claiming that she projected feelings onto his constant stream of affection

and first can I say that was SO SO SO a portland singles moment.

but also I keep thinking about this, and the fundamentals of romance, and how they aren't always sexual, but we aren't really taught that love can be complicated and people's feelings need be considered even if our needs are confusing

so let's dissect this...

this guy, in the moment, mentions that she is currently his favorite person. and on some level I believe him. it would be simple and one sided to suggest he was just using her affections for his ego, when the show implies he has found someone he adores but doesn't want to be romantically be with. As a person, especially a straight man, such feelings are complicated, because of a history we all know but I don't need to get into in which men can feel violent or sexual but not intellectually enraptured or romantically drawn without the above feelings being part of the picture.

but also, anyone can see that the odds of confusion were high. and there is no doubt that he was deliberately enjoying the romantic moments that had no potential for him without communicating clearly and explicitly because he was scared of ruining something that was amazing for him (platonic love is under valued in our society and thus complicated to pursue) and doing so at the clear risk of her emotions, which is, to put is bluntly, selfish. How much can you really be falling for someone, even as a friend, if you are just hoping their emotions will never get in the way of your needs? It is also possible he wanted her on some level as more as a friend, and wasn't ready for THAT and construed the next step (physical) as a promise beyond what he was ready to pursue. our very hetero monogamist and commitment centered world creates cognitive dissonance around these moments, because we cant just say, without being insulting "I kind want this, now, but may never want more"

we have all been in relationships in which one person didn't voice, explicitly, the scope of their needs, because if they did they were worried that they would lose what they already had. in which someone had, perhaps even despite their best intentions, implied but not stated, that a situation was different than it truly was to get or keep what they wanted. It is called leading someone on, and whether it is to get laid, or keep someone around to feed your ego, or to develop a friendship they really need but don't understand themselves, it is still putting their own needs before another.

which is a no brainer. it isn't okay to, even indirectly, create a false bubble because part of becoming a kind human being is giving a crap about the other person in every situation. But I also want to blame society here, just a little bit, which teaches us that hard conversations are to be avoided and needs must be simple. which teaches us to blaze ahead and hope what we want is truly what the other person wants, even when it is self evident that isn't the case, and to manipulate situations that keep a dream alive, even at the expense of real connection. a society that is far more enraptured than the romantic impossible than the deep and beautiful if slightly dirty and uncomfortable reality. which makes us want all loves to be easy, even when it is the nature of love to prove itself through sacrifices big and small.

so how might this have gone differently? how might he have been a bigger man. well, from that start, when he realized that he was falling, in a friendship kinda way, he could have been clear, pulled back from his hearts instinct and said it aloud. you are so great, it is hard to find someone you want to be friends with. he could have talked about him complicated feeling for those he was romantically interested in. he could have pulled back, even when he wanted to lunge forward, with an eye towards her feelings, early on, and understood that he might be risking what they had, but that there might be the potential to truly be friends, if he gave her the space to want that too. and frankly, he could have said it. " I need a friend right now, and that is hard to find, especially one as cool as you" and let her walk in, OR NOT.

but who knows. we are also, if we are being honest, often the last to even know ourselves. and being so clear, so honest, takes confidence and self awareness that can often come long after the moment has passed.