I guess its highly unsurprising I have abandonment issues. You know, if you know me. Know my origin story and all that.

Still its so humiliating. Its one thing to mourn, curse and in general deeply resent familial loss, or some shitty shitty dumping action.

But what to do with the slow icy freeze out that is almost closer to a ghosting from a whole community that you thought might be a touch of your found family, but in truth was just killing a very long time with you and is now probably is giving this even less thought than you might prefer to believe? 

I dunno. I just can't let it go. Even though I am horrified, humiliated, just completely ashamed to admit it.

It's not just horrible. It's dumb.

Part of the astounding stupidity is, naturally, that I actually kind of knew this would happen. The signs were always there. The signs of strained awkwardness over obligatory shared social situations and a touch of "lets try to make this deeper" that seldom stuck. Those seeds...well over time grew into very oddly overly chipper curious and polite check ins at parties and events and actually, over time. became moments of just suddenly, seriously, finding myself alone in a room at a social gathering, one just bustling moments ago.

And I would say it, sometimes, out loud. I don't feel welcome. I don't think these are my friends any more. I don't think these people actually like me.

And even with all this , more confounding and frustrating was, in retrospect, my urge to fight it. To reach out...to produce events and coordinate gatherings to reignite the passion of friendship love affairs that weren't actually anything more than tantamount to the one night stand you stretched into a 3 month relationship because your were B-O-R-E-D.

Only this wasn't 3 months, this was 10 years, and this wasn't something based on a too many drinks and pretty eyes, this was weekends away, and late nights and all sortsa shit that doesn't just normally proceed, not one, but several people slowly making it evidently clear that you are now, pretty much, disposable in their world.

Which is to say, I thought they were my friends. And I thought they cared. Despite evidence to the contrary. And still I miss them.

Yeah. Bummer.

And now, beyond all reason I find myself pissed.

And yes yes, I am perfectly clear you can't be angry with people just because they don't like you. And yes, I realize I have no right to resent it when people choose to spend time with people they actually like, and not spend time with people they don't.

But because I am not comfortable with just being hurt and humiliated. I am pissed.and I am retconning the shit out of all of this and pretending it mutual so it isn't what it really is: rejection.

But honestly, what is it about being rejected that makes you want to to plot revenge, to hurt back, to want to reject back?

I wonder if it has something to do with wanting to fill the absence of feeling...with something. Wanting to cure the seemingly unjust inequity of concern with a shared experience. even if that is experience is nothing fun.

Or maybe it is just straight immaturity.Dumping mud on your best friend because she went to play with someone with better toys.

There is no good answer. And frankly, there is no point in pondering a situation you fully have no power to affect. It is what it is. Sad. Pathetic. Over.