Aug 1, 2005

intimacy and bonding

I think people form stronger connections over the shared ways that they
find to make the every day enjoyable, not the excruciating moments more bearable.

I know that seems wrong. We've all seen Survivor. We all know that a traumatic experience can link a group for life. It's true that times of heightened emotion bring a special incentive to form a temporarily sustaining bond. I don't deny the importance or intensity of relationships formed in this time. Intimacy is fierce when the walls have already been knocked down.

But is it sustaining, really, when the crisis ends and drama subsides?

I think many of us have learned fear feeling so much that we've also learned to parcel out the intensity of our emotions for our most needy or dear moments. I wish it weren't so, but it feels like, sometimes, people really need a bomb to drop to burst that barricade open enough to let a little real meaning in.
The subtley of learning to trust, love and appreciate someone for what they give and want from you, how they enrich your most predictable and routine moments is lost in the drama we create to reach out and touch someone.

And in the end, how can you compete with it? When every desire becomes a need, every expectant moment a dramatic event to unfold, how do you sift through the cobble and smoke to find a way to recognize and share the most sublime and sustaining offerings?

It's like learning to feel the beams of the sun when a small fire is nipping at your ankles.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to see a little addendum to each of your entries called "what brought this to mind."

Bjetsey said...

haha, I too wonder that at the end of some entries.

daff0dil said...

jesus kids,
let me have my little moments of mystery

Dave said...

It seems unlikely
That anyone fears feeling
It’s all that they do

On the other hand
Having not seen survivor
I may well be wrong

daff0dil said...

maybe it would be more fair to state that a great many people fear feeling strongly...specifically being controlled by their emotions

however, an excuse to lose control can be welcome respite

Dave said...

Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

I don’t want to misinterpret your position but it seems to me that you are advocating that people create drama in a relationship in order to simulate intensity of feeling without risking actual intimacy.

What you are describing, however, is not “fear of feeling” but merely immaturity.

Children are unable to engage in adult relationships given their inability (or unwillingness) to articulate their needs (perhaps even to themselves).

Adults who create drama in this manner wouldn’t know intimacy if it walked up and punched them in the face.

They are not afraid, intimacy is just terra incognita.

It occurs to me that perhaps you are giving people too much credit.

daff0dil said...

well, no, infact what I am advocating is people paying more attention to what the true facets of intimacy are and how they ideally manifest in our daily lives

I'm simply commenting on this less mature method that I witness far too often

it alarms me that many people are more apt to feel "close" to those who stimulate and simulate drama to heighten the emotional tenor of their interactions

and yes, maybe I am giving people too much credit

Dave said...

I wish to modify the words “advocating that people” in the second paragraph of my last reply to read “advocating the position that people” and with that believe that we are in total agreement.

Yea! We agree with each other!

Let’s go get smashed!

daff0dil said...

when are you gonna come up here so we actually CAN get smashed together