Aug 3, 2005

sometimes I feel too heavy
no, not fat, or big, or like, really really down (man...) but kind of, yes, just heavy

it's hard to explain, really, but I've always perceived this varying sense of weight to people, both in body and in spirit
some people seem impossibly light to me: aerodynamic, quick witted and weighed down by little, emotionally, physically, circumstantially
and I once saw this girl, this very plump 14 year old gymnast...who flipped and tumbled about as if she was a feather, as if she could bounce and fly...

I mean, in some cases light is not such a great thing, right?

The inability to gage a proper weight in someone elses feelings or presence or thoughts can leave me feeling unfulfilled, like my perception is always a bit out of focus, like the lines are there but they haven't been colored in
and we've all heard that phrase: nobody likes to be "taken lightly"

and then some people are heavier than you can stand. just too too much. too much to bear, too much to take, bulky and dense...they talk of big weighty issues and sometimes you want to say "isn't that a little heavy for a party, man?"

but I don't know, it seems like I've always felt the bulk of my weight, dark and...heavy in my needs and hopes and expressions
my walk is heavy and my eyes are heavy and I often tread in some very heavy subject matter

it's a joke around these parts...the clomp clomp of my walk and my slightly sad expression

my bones can feel the mass they carry and I often suspect that those of a lighter disposition, those frothy, bubbly, airy individuals that make it all good and fun and easy, sense this weight, feel slightly offput having to share the gravity so disproportionately

maybe thats why I've always liked the water, in which weight becomes irrelevant, and speed and agility take on other barriers than simple gravity
and there are those times, those moments when you are napping, coming in and out of dreams, and you can almost feel yourself floating weightless within the waking world

and, you know, such I've always sought to make things lighter...easier...you know, like an elephant in ballet slippers or the joke in the eulogy

but I suspect it doesn't work, and now I wonder at the wisdom of it

if you can feel your weight, then maybe it's best to let others feel it too, and lets this unsteady world warble appropriately

how about you, how much do you really weigh?

4 comments:

Dave said...

First Noble Truth: There is suffering

Dave said...

Oh, and I weigh 12 stone give or take

Anonymous said...

damn that's a fantastic entry

I always liked ice skating for the same reason.

Bjetsey said...

like, the beatles song, I want you (she's so heavy)? or later on the same album, "boy, you're gonna carry that weight"?

anyway, I totally know what you mean. I feel heavier now than in my mid-20's, though about the same as when I was a teenager. I was told by my friends in the dorms that I walked like I was on my way to kill someone. I don't think I have that particular type of intensity now, but I'm not light flutterbug.