So, you know you’ll never be happy, right?
I mean, I’ve figured this out, have you?
I’ve watched you. I mean, when you aren’t looking. You’d never know it. I’m sly, the way I look. The things I see.
And I see it. I see how you’ll never be happy.
Sure, you’ll try. You’ll look look look for that magic perfection that will distract you from all the issues and problems you’ve always had with yourself and the world. You’ll look for the magic potion that will make your insecurities and anger and feelings of inadequacy and unresolved internal conflicts irrelevant. And over and over you’ll think you’ve found it. Some sort of magic decoder ring in the form of a job or lover that makes all of these jagged edges fit together seamlessly, rendered, somehow, benign by their context. And you’ll exalt in the beauty of this tool when you’ve got it in your grip. This perfect perfect thing that makes you better than you ever believed. That makes you okay. That makes you right. And for a moment, yes, you’ll be so close to happiness that it’ll proxy for joy.
But it won’t work. Because it’s you. And no person place or thing is perfect. Nothing can conceal the true taste of the swirling pot of dissatisfaction that you’ve been brewing for so long. No magic flavor exists to hide the bitterness, the disjointed and ill chosen spices and ingredients. But this new flavor, it’ll suffice for a while, the novelty, the sweetness, it’ll take the concoction and make it palatable.
But see, when you begin to take this flavor for granted that has, you’ll begin to notice the other flavors around it as well. You’ll question this latest addition, maybe you’ll even begin to associate the bitterness with this lucky mask, shooting right past the real culprit: you.
It’ll be crushing, confusing. You’ll slurp at the soup, desperate for a taste of the flavor that existed only days ago. You’ll look it away, try to freeze it, hide it, pour it out. But the smell will stick and the flavor will linger.
Do you feel slightly ill? Can you taste it even now?
Like I said, you’ll never be happy.