Apr 11, 2006

it's not getting any smarter out there

We know when we’ve been stupid. Dumb, Played the fool.

Sometimes we just do something ony slightly daft and the universe has a way of turning us into great big idiots, giving us a push into being raving dorks. But there we are still. Dumb. We can’t help it. Or maybe we can. We could have. That’s the aching question. How dumb was I? How mistaken and insane and deeply deeply dull was I to believe (or believe in) this person place or thing?
We always know what we want the answer to be. But seeking that answer can be the most painful part of all.
And the more it matters, the greater the dumb. The more it moves you and the larger the stupid.
And in the end, we are never as dumb as we fear, and never as smart as we planned

Not so long ago I walked around just swimming in my own idiocy. I was adrift in a sea of past folly and felt like I was going to be subsumed by the inanity of it all. And I was walking, strolling around, feeling sorry for myself. Trying to figure out a way to change the past, right the wrong, smart the stupid. I thought maybe I could kill the pain along with the humiliation by changing the story for everyone, rewriting it in my own words.
And I glanced up at this beautiful image, I was watching the sky reflect, clouds moving fast, off of a large pink building. I was seeing the world turn. I was witnessing times healing hand. And I realized it didn’t matter. I was an idiot. We were idiots. We are all idiots.
So what?
I’m always going to be a little stupid, but I never need to be THAT idiot again. I learned something. I moved on. This is a new time. The best part about the fact that it sucked is that I can say it in the past tense. And it’s over. I may have been stupid, but I’ll never be that dumb again. I’ll find new ways to be dumb.

We have to let time move us. We have to acknowledge our folly and let it go if we hope to learn from it. We have to destroy the self-hatred and kill the blame and name calling and mystery solving of things past if we are to see the future. It’s hard to find something in a pile of ashes. Look up, leave the pile behind. And in the end it’s best to love the fire that finally burned that fucker down than to ponder the ruins, and to love the sun more that much more.

1 comment:

cordelia said...

Thank you for this one. Really.