Oct 26, 2006

and so I kept a cup of sea water by my bedside

we are, in the end, animals, and we can feel the shifts in the tides that affect us if we are paying close enough attention

ever looked at a cat? those damn things can sleep through a raucous party, calm and curled in a corner, dozing on the heater like little johnny didn't just throw up in the punch bowl. then, an earthquake will happen 4 counties over and they are hiding in the closet, bouncing off the walls, hissing at the fishbowl.
they know what affects them, they pay attention to what they were born to value.

and so I knew when his attentions had turned. it was nothing he said. or did. nothing different. sure. a psychiatrist woould argue it was everything he said or did. it was all different. all those little subtle subconscious ticks presenting and my subconscious, alike,taking note. maybe thats the truth, when the tide starts to go out we might notice the shift in those lines it makes in the sand before we notice the sea level. but in the end, this struck as more atmospheric as first, something imperceptable I was born to note. his focus had changed, his attention waned, his colors shifted, they had less of me in them

and all the way over there, in another place, I felt him fading, felt him gone. and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop the tide and if I had pulled out my little boat as fast I could and jumped in the water I still would have been left, sitting, banked, on the sand, waiting for the next wavde, staring, sullenly at the sea lit by the moon. and I wasn't going to set up camp and wait, because next days tide, well, if it catches you aleep...it can really knock you on your ass or take you places you never meant to go. and while my lack of control was some small comfort, my diminishing size in the context of the rushing seas had it's own frustrations.

so there I was, accutely aware of my new surroundings, moonlight stark
and did I miss him?
hell, yes. I missed him.
I believe I missed him more than I ever imagined I could before he was even gone, when I could still feel the tide lapping at my toes, when I could still smell his salty taste

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