sorry

and then there is this notion of repentance, steeped in ritual, wrought with a certain desperation to cast off past folliesin exchange for a golden ticket to a clear conscience. I don't know. I don't know what to say about that. Guilt has it's place, next to fear and frustration, as motivation to walk a cleaner path. and repentance, well, unless it helps you turn a corner,unless you can leave behind your mistakes in the truest sense: escape the desire, no just the motivation and action, well I don't know how valiently it should be sought.

repentance should be part of growth, not just the precurser to the spiritual equivelent of amnesia

and then there is forgiveness. the flip side of repentance. someone asked me the other day:

what if you can't forgive?
what if they say they are sorry and mean the are sorry and they are sorry sorry sorry and you still want to throw back a big blast of rage?
what then?

and do you deserve to be forgiven, yourself, if you can't forgive the sins of others?

and I thought about that and the honest truth is: I've never had anyone ask for forgiveness that I just couldn't grant. no. really.

I've never had any one look me in the eye, say it, mean it:
I'm sorry.
I wish I hadn't done that.
I'm gonna try really hard to not do THAT again

...and not, at least, begin to feel the walls crumble.
and maybe this makes me uniquely forgiving or non judgemental but I doubt it.
I think of the pieces of anger and frustration that can linger and much, it seems to me, is tantamount to a runaway ego and inability to see our own follies and how they affect others. if you can't be sorry, you don't deserve forgiveness. if you can't learn, you shouldn't repent. but if you can, then it's time to move on. but it's a group effort. it's a cycle. it's a cycle of growth. for us all. and when you step outside this cycle and you refuse to learn from the people you've hurt then you rob each side of the opportunity to evolve. you create that much work for the one you have wronged, because then they have to grow for both of you. they have to diffuse that forgiveness into the very ether that you wish to cast your sins. and, likewise, if you can't recognize an act of true contrition, then maybe it's time to seek forgiveness yourself

and in the end, what have we done that is so heinous. what acts against nature ring so soundly in the back of all our ears that they shouldn't be drowned by the bells and music and sound of laughter?

so get on it
you wouldn't want to hold us all up, right?