Feb 1, 2007

I was just so g-damn jealous I could scream. That the honest truth. Cross my heart and swear to the devil, I looked at her and listened to her story and tried to imagine how on earth she got away with that shit, how on earth she inspired such intensity and devotion. how such an unbelievably difficult woman, how such a right bitch was suffering under the burden of so much love. His love. His love burned brighter than the heavens. Stronger than a storm, deeper than the black. Thats what he told her. He'd wait, he'd function, he'd deal. He'd try really really hard so she wouldn't have to. She was a pain in the ass but she was his pain in the ass.
and you know what? I swear to the heavens, cross my heart and hope to cry ,that I want to be difficult.
Painful as hell to deal with.
Why? you may ask
why why why why would anyone on this green earth want to be a pain in the ass? Because I want to know I am worth the struggle. I want to know that someone would stand right there and bear the wind so they can stand next to me. I want to know that they aren't just standing there because I'm blocking the wind.
it's true, I worry about my own convenience.
But I wouldn't even know where to begin. I can't stand to see them struggle. I can't believe the nerve some people have, making others lives difficult so they can languish in childlike freedoms. I'm all for equity, I wish to be of use. I'm here to help.
so the truth was I was so angry I could almost scream. thats the devils honest truth. I listened to that story and I thought: how dare you? how dare you ask someone to be twice the man for you when you won't even be half a woman for him. how dare you expect generosity as a response ot your selfishness. how dare you call that love.
And I realized I could never be that. I could never respect a man who could love me like that. And you know what? If you hug eachother tight,you can both guard eachother from the wind. Two strong back and better than one trying to support another.
They can go places those ducking behind the gaurd of another would never dream. And the view? Well, yes, the view is better too.

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