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spirituality
it's a very volatile word
like heaven or hell or right or wrong or g-d or soul
like love
you never really know what another person means when they say it

tonight, entwined with a conversation on balance, perspective, mental health and happiness I found the word resurfacing with surprising frequency

not from my mouth. I became gun shy of using words like belief and spirit a long time ago. a certain gaurded cynicism. a certain kind of privacy.

now understand, I don't keep many secrets of my own and while I respect other's privacy...most of the time, I don't often call upon my own.

but I have long considered my relationship with nature, with with my maker, with the universe, something entirely personal, and entirely off limits

and I find myself pondering now:
why?
is it s a fear of coming off evangelical in nature?
is it the years of being different, of being an outsider and wanting to keep that defining element seperate, as a result?
or is it something much stranger? fear of presumption, an avoidance of inevitable cynicism?

a friend of mine once said, when she surprisingly found I believed in g-d, "it must be comforting to know what happens next"
like I had seen a painted picture of a wide flat world and doubled down on it

and all I could think is: it's not like that.
it's actually quite the oppposite
believing in a system bigger than yourself is the ultimate test of humility.

respecting a cycle and a plan far bigger than your own means you actually don't know what waits for you next, or in the hereafter, or anywhere in between.
understanding that you play a part, but are not center stage...is a constant battle

it's a battle of balance
of trust in beauty
or respect for all that lies outside you, because the vastness of your every desire can not hold a candle to the enormity of what lies outside your meaty confines

tomorrow my meat will rise (tentatively) go to work, come home, and help host a large ritual meal for many close friends

but really, much more will happen than that
much much more