Dec 9, 2010

tired

can we just fast forward to the part where everything is okay again?

to the moment where the dog has stopped shivering and throwing up and my car is working and not an enormous financial sink hole, and to the day in which I wake up and aren't excited that I got 4 good hours in before my neck and arm start hurting again.

my physical therapist explained so much of pain can be a feedback loop. nerves put on watch when there is a very real threat call up all their friends to help them stand watch, and soon, after the injury is gone, there are just sensors, everywhere, feeling everything, hypothesizing it is pain. viewing everything as a hurt.

and I guess the secret is knowing it will end. stopping the feedback loop, visualizing into reality a healed and happy future and chugging along with assurance that things will relax, things will loosen up, and the inflammation will be soothed, soon a distance memory.

but I am so so not there. I can't help it. It's been a hard week and today I hardly had the energy for one more issue. one more concern. one more worry.

And I have it easy. I know I do. People have many and much worse issues and challenges than me.
They have real problems. Their car is totalled and they can't even make it to work and little jimmy needs braces or a colostomy. or he needs to eat.
I am working through challenges to my placid existence, barriers to opulence.

But still, sometimes ....sometimes I just want to move. to another time when these issues are solved and everyone feels happy and whole and carefree again. when I am floating on a cool pool in the warm summer sun, and dog is chewing on her bone, and my possessions are the farthest thing from my mind.

2 comments:

FRANK said...

i'm interested in what your doctor said. that's why hypnotism works so well with pain: you can just interpret the nerves signals as pressure or tickling or any sensation you want. it's so cool. then, instead of "Ow, I can't move cause it hurts," it's like "heh heh. my arm tickley when i move better not do it cause i can't stop laughing and then i'll pee ha hahahahah" remember when you turned me into a chicken?
vicodin is pretty great too though.

Mischief Maker said...

I'm sorry things are rough! Hang in there.