one look in their eyes and you know you look as tired, as old, as worn as you feel
and you feel so stupid the moment you notice, that it is a surprise, even though you have seen the pictures, felt the loose skins, own a damn mirror
and you feel even worse for caring, because in the long line of things that matter to you, things you hold dear and love, you know this is not the most important thing, or even, probably an IMPORTANT THING, but it still stings, it still haunts
and part of you also knows there are, most likely, things you could do...take vitamins, moisturize, sleep more, eat better, exercise more, buy a damn bra
but you also know that is just not gonna happen because in your down time you will be sinking into the couch instead and possibly beating yourself up for not having enough time or making more nutritious food for the new love of your life, the teeny tiny creature with the enormous soul that swallows your heart whole every time you see her, for the betterment of your life, if not necessarily your ass
5 comments:
I cried reading this. Your brain has surely not sagged and your heart is more firm and tight as it ever has to be. I love you
Your mom
[jw]: that was beautiful. and really resonates...yesterday we found a picture of Z and I river rafting, when Z was about 2. so, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. and he said 'look how young your mom was'! the implied comparison really stung. And I wondered if I hadn't just had a baby, and was getting enough sleep, if the comparison between then and now would be less remarkable. But then I thought of my sweet little one, and I can't regret it a bit.
As moms, we are taught that the world is critical of us and that we should be critical of ourselves. Ironically, I was just envying your amazing figure, as I battle what seems to be my destiny as a plump old woman. I think maybe we both could stand to reject our self-criticism and give ourselves some kudos for keeping it together and doing the difficult job of parenting. Ultimately, we won't get any younger or prettier, but we get to watch our kids grow up, and that's a better reward than retaining our lost youth, any day.
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