Oct 18, 2015

negativity nelly

if there is one lesson I fail to learn again and again it is that people don't want to hear the ugly truth.

even when it isn't about them. even when you are talking about situations they cannot remedy, and especially when you are speaking about yourself.

this one is a hard one for me, because while I understand with full clarity why insulting someone is unkind, I still have a hard time walking the grey line between revealing the little faults and adorable foibles that help us bond, and revealing to people that I full well see the ugly demons of my person and my situations.

so the other day, when I revealed a truth that I have worked hard to come to terms with, I was especially surprised to find that I was the one who found it the least angering, the least upsetting.

and this truth is (drumroll)
as I get older, less  and less people seem to like me, and even less people find me interesting.

understand, I am not saying more people dislike me (this would probably be at odds with the second assertion, as hate belies interest). and I am not saying that I am alienating or have ugly or strange interactions.

I also don't mean to imply this is necessarily a static reality that will plague me into old age. who knows. I can't exactly pinpoint the source of it, and I don't know the remedy, but it is a reality that I have come to terms with: middle age has rendered my mostly forgettable to the general masses.

so when I stated this reality, with a little less force, perhaps, than I am stating now, I was surprised the push back I got. The insistence that person A really liked me, or group B found me really interesting.
and I don't like to pull out the big guns; person A hasn't initiated any form of contact in years with me, and is seldom very motivated when I do, or that the inhabitants of group B have the equivalent of polite water cooler conversations with me while filling my drink, or even, frequently, leave the room and me alone in it, after 5 min of conversation, well that is just when the anger truly flies. What do I expect? Why would I say such things.

Look, I am not an idiot. I can tell when things are going badly. I can tell when someone isn't excited to be in my company. I don't hold it against them, because there are a great many people in the world who I, as well, am not aiming to break bread with. There are a lot of people in this world, and we are only going to truly love and like so many of them.

And I also understand that is people get older and busier, they have less and less time to reach out to someone they care about, and sometimes awkward interactions happen because of factors that have nothing to do with me. So I am willing to cede that there may be elements of misunderstanding in my assertion.

But it is cruel to insist that someone embrace a comfortable lie vs understand the ugly truth. It is the kind of wall that creates greater depression, loneliness, and despondency.  It is the reason people stay in loveless marriages and draining friendships. Because they are told to distrust their instincts, to ascribe intimacy and happiness to situations that do not give them those comforts.

And so this is me, acknowledging my reality, not for sympathy, but with an aim to find a way to fix it. Maybe I just need to find new people to be around, maybe I really need to work on myself and the things I share so I can be better friend. Like I said, I don't know, but I am willing to try, willing to figure it out.

so yes, here it is, a shiny black ray of truth hidden away in a spot that is all mine, and where I assert the right to tell my truths, as I see them, and those who care to read them 

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