Feb 6, 2016

I ejected a post that was particularly honest in an attempt to avoid triggering anyone or making anyone feel unduly guilty or concerned
If you read this blog that might be surprising to you, given how I am seldom so considerate.

But yes, even I hold some things…sacred.

That being said, I feel I am remiss if I don’t clarify how it all felt.

I suddenly felt slightly blind. A big wall erected itself, right there, between my eyes and the part of my brain that allows stimuli to come in, to swim around, the poke and this and that, and allow communication and computation and permutation to truly commence. I was sitting there, watching the other people wait, watching the board, and the nurses and the other various front desk and patient information service employees, crossing my fingers and tees, and finding that I could not process even the easiest question. I found myself suddenly alarmed that I would have to drive home. I did not trust myself when I know so many, at the moment, were going to need to trust me.This is why everyone else brought someone, I thought. This is why people call their sister or even the mother in law they cannot stand, to wait with them. Because even though there is no really real reason for them to be there, anxiety alerts the sense and blunts reason and two half brains are better than one partial lobotomy. SO to speak.

The other day my husband noted, as he heals from his surgery, that the pain and insecurity around his physical condition makes even innocuous places seem a little scary.

When you are in a vulnerable the familiar becomes foreign, and even the safest practices can suddenly seem daunting, terrifying.

I have gone through…things, in my life, before. Lost friends and relatives, fretted illnesses, worried on income and other elemental areas of safety. I always forget until I remember and then I really remember.
So here is what I know, again, for the time being, until comfort and ease and the day to day bullshit makes me forget once again.

We should not let people go through things alone. Even if we have nothing of significance to offer. It isn’t about how much stuff you can offer, how much financial support, or wisdom. It is just about being there, being present, giving them that piece of your brain to use when their brain short circuits as it  gets lost in the what ifs and please no factor of things.   A simple “what can I do”, if you mean it, really mean it, is gold.

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