May 9, 2005

temporal rifts

time is the strangest thing: it's passage, the ability we have to perceive it
everyone once in a while I give a start when I think about that moment of falling asleep, that moment in which time loses all context and we wale up with 1/3 a day more passage and no real awareness of it

mostly, though, I find it hard to integrate what is, what was, and what has always been into my conscious awareness, sometimes

you know, once I lost a friend and I immediately could believe I would never see them again. It was almost as if I couldn't conjure up a time when I could call upon them, or run into them or see them. How fickle of time to rob me of my past to make the present so much more palatable

this has happened to me quite a bit: the moment I step off a plane the current context of home makes so much sense I can hardly believe I once saw the pyramids of Egypt, or the moment I say goodbye from a visit it's hard to remember the person in physical presence

on the other hand, time can play an even trickier hand. sometime current context is completely incomprehensible. what? I can't still call my grandmother? what? I don't have to do any more statistics homework ever again? how can that be?
I'm having that feeling right now, like time is whooshing by and things are changing and I'm no barely noticing that the pasts context makes more sense to me than the present or the impending future. I'm finding this problematic, as it's creating a cognitive dissonance between what is me and my life, and what I feel. I wandered around my apartment the other day, repeated to myself a few times the context of my situation (living in Portland, single, parents far away, no living grandparents, employed 9-5er, post graduate professional etc..etc...) and so much of it seemed unreal. Not because I can't, or don't want to see myself as the things I am, but because I so recently felt myself to, accurately, be something different in so many ways.

so it's strange. I mean, intellectually, I accept change well, I can accept getting older and moving on, but I can't seem to get myself to internalize so many of the facets of my life that are implicitly, well, me, in the here and now, and the product of such changes.

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