oh, it's glorious
everything around me swaying, out of control, riding on the back, too drunk to think, the vibrations of the machine and my life and the sudden overwhelming feeling that all my desire, all my hope, all the tactile fulfillment and saturated beauty of the world, all these hopes and fears are just too bountiful to ever ever find their match
and I live my life in such embrassing spasms of self-control. Try to limit my feelings, each and every and all of them so I can get by, get through, just another day.
I read ingredients labels and measure each mile I run, and memorize my beliefs...I know my lines.
I sit, in my chair and think think think until I make myself sick and I'm searching for a memory of the last feeling that just made me ....swoon
just that to remind me that I'm alive
and then the pendulum swings and I'm back in this whirlwind, this audiovisual chaos that lets it all in, makes it all too real, all too tangible
today I got caught in that massive rainstorm...at first it bothered me, you know I was ducking in out of doorways, pausing under trees. and then I was just wet. so wet, splashing when I moved, waving at the other people too dumb to get inside. laughing and pointing, and when I got home and got inside my friend ran up with a towel for me and I just couldn't stop giggling as I tore my clothes off, running to my room for warmth and decency. and curling up with a beer right after. it all felt too damn...good, too damn real
how do I siphon such swirling emotion into dime size packets that I can carry in my coat pocket, gaze at secretly, keep close to my heart, so I can feel them when I am alone in my bed at night?