Oct 11, 2005

all sweet things beyond whatever mind may comprehend

"Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break
Into blossom"
(James Wright)

yes, more honduras pics

When I read that I realize that I can't write. Not really. Not like that. How can I put my happy feelings, my growing feelings, such unabashed sensations into such a neat package, such a tidy summation of my state?
And yet, reading it I can't help but to think.
Remember the first time you realized you felt that way? How did you say it, express it? Could you believe it?
People like to use cliches, metaphors, analogies, similes to explain it: butterflies in the stomach, a heart that soars, the sun is shining a little brighter...

but I am particularly fond of Wright's words, likening it to bloom, such an explosive moment of expansion

Oh, you know, falling in love sucks. It really does. Sweaty palms and constant panic attacks and insecurities and the painful realization that when you actually want something you could actually lose something you want.
It's ugly.
And when it's over it's even uglier...swarms of memories and the emptiness and constant comparisons with every attempt you make to forget it or recreate it.

But then we do. We try and recreate it. Live it again. How can we help it? The goal of living is to grow. And in that moment of bloom we feel ourselves sprout up, thrust forward, expand exponentially as if to grasp a small piece of the sunlight surrounding us. We change and oh holy hell it's gorgeous and sweet and wholly a concentration of what seems like the whole damn point.

Someone the other day explained to me why he wanted to date so soon after the possible demise of his relationship. He wanted to feel that again. It felt good to feel that.

Well of course it did. it doesn't just feel good, it feels right, it feels natural, it feels sublimely overwhelmingly perfect. That feeling. It's you, but more. It's you, but soon. Maybe it's you, but better.

And not everyone can grow all the time, and sometimes you just want a good roll in the hay and reasonable accommodations while you stop to gather your senses... just sit still and prepare for the next lurch up. Hell, even plants, though always growing, changing, experience spurts and stalls.

But man, when you are moving, you are moving. When you are there, you are there.
They lean back, put their head on your shoulder and you take their hand and feel every part of you a posy, ready to give birth to something bigger and better and yet unmistakable part of yourself.


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Anonymous said...

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daff0dil said...

people spam this blog..nice, eh...

glad to see you had your buzz on for atleast a bit

whomever you are

Bjetsey said...

you could opt-in to the "security word" thing. costs your commenters a few seconds, but it's worked to keep spam out of my comments.

daff0dil said...